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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25945219">Goodbyes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vcdbtch/pseuds/vcdbtch'>vcdbtch</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Depression, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Merthur - Freeform, Sad Ending, Suicide, Trigger Warnings, videos</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:54:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,314</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25945219</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vcdbtch/pseuds/vcdbtch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin Emrys was always the outcast of the school, the kid who got bullied because people were bored. He was struggling for a long time, dropping hints here and there that he needed someone to save him but no one noticed. Then again, not everyone can be saved.</p><p>I'n which Merlin and Arthur used to be friends, a fight happened, Merlin's suicidal and no one noticed until it was too late.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Goodbyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Trigger warnings for suicide, implied self harm and other triggering stuff</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Merlin was always one of the quieter kids at school, the one who never really fit in with anyone and an easy target for bullying.</p><p>The kids in the grade above him liked to shove him against the lockers and call him things like “fag” and “pimp” with a grip so tight on his neck it left bruises he had to cover up with a scarf or a turtle neck the next day.</p><p>Some days, the bullying would get to be a little too much and he would break down in his bedroom at night, crying himself to sleep while wishing he could just be normal for once. Things would eventually turn out okay in the end though because he had Arthur, Gwen and Morgana who always knew something was upsetting him and come over with pizza and crappy rom com movies that always made him crack a smile and forget about his insecurities.</p><p>The person who really helped him through everything was Arthur.</p><p>When Merlin’s father died, he was there, holding Merlin close and wiping the tears off his cheeks. When things got too much and Merlin was becoming withdrawn, Arthur was at his doorstep with Chinese takeout and doctor who DVD’s to make him forget everything. When the bullying got too much and Merlin started hurting himself, Arthur was there, holding a broken Merlin to his chest while pressing soft kisses to each of his scars.</p><p>Things eventually got better because Merlin realized if Arthur was in his life, he would make it through.</p><p>Things rarely worked out his way through. Halfway through highschool Arthur started hanging out with the wrong people, getting mixed in with tobacco alcohol and slowly forgetting about the person that needed him the most.</p><p>At first, Merlin understood. He understood that he was a burden to his friend and he didn’t blame Arthur for wanting to be friends with people who actually had their shit together.</p><p>He told himself he was fine every time Arthur cancelled plans to hang out with his friends, he told himself everything would be okay when Arthur started ignoring his calls and texts in favor of getting drunk and he told himself he would get his best friend back, even when Arthur started ignoring him and going as far as giving him dirty looks in the halls.</p><p>One day when Merlin was pushed up against a locker with a death crop in his neck and he looked up to see Arthur standing at the back of the group with his arm slung around a pretty girls shoulder.</p><p>In that moment, something broke inside of him and he realize he wasn’t getting his best friend back, he had lost him forever.</p><p>From then on, the pain of getting bullied by his best friend got harder and harder to deal with.</p><p>Merlin resorted to slicing his skin with a blade again just so he didn’t have to feel the tight pain in his chest anymore.</p><p>Morgana and Gwen tried talking some sense into Arthur but the blonde didn’t seem to care, and that really hurt. Gwen had engulfed him in a tight hug and offered to come over with pizza and cheesy rom coms like they used to but he just shook his head, saying he wasn’t feeling well.</p><p>Little did they know that Merlin was planning on ending his life instead.</p><p>He had everything already prepared, hand written letters to everyone that means something to him, an apology video recorded and saved onto a USB and the noose already hanging from the ceiling as well as the bottle of pills on his bedside table, just in case.</p><p>When he woke up the next morning, he grabbed the notes and the USB and headed downstairs to give his Mother a long hug before heading towards the bus stop.</p><p>Once on the bus, he walked past Arthur and his friends without a second glance and headed straight towards the back of the bus.</p><p>He then pulled out the USB and put it in the envelope he had specifically labeled to be opened the next day and put it back in his backpack.</p><p>When he arrived at school, he walked off the bus and headed straight towards Morgana’s locker, sliding the note through the gaps then moving on to Gwens and doing the same.</p><p>When it came to Arthur’s locker, he hesitated and wondered if he even deserved a letter, Merlin’s death was his fault, but then Merlin told himself he was the only one to blame and slid the letter in through the gaps.</p><p>With that done, he then walked towards the assembly hall and handed one of the teachers the envelope with strict instructions to play the video at the morning assembly the next day. The teacher looked at him reluctantly but agreed, setting the letter down at the podium.</p><p>Later that night, Merlin went home and headed straight towards his room. He kicked his shoes and socks off, changing out of his school clothes into a hoodie and old sweatpants then went to the bathroom to grab a glass of water.</p><p>He looked at himself in the mirror and wondered if he should go through with it or not. He knew his Mother would be distraught, Morgana and Gwen would be upset and he would probably be doing more damage that good. But then he thought about the bullies and Arthur, they made it very clear no one needed Merlin in their lives and the world would be a better place without him so he decided to make everyone happy.</p><p>He walked to his bedroom with a glass of water in hand, heading straight towards the beside table and taking the pill bottle in hand.</p><p>He sat down on the side of his bed and poured half a bottle of pills in his hand, running his thumb over the smooth coating before shoving them all in his mouth and washing away the residue.</p><p>Then, he went over and dragged his desk chair over to the beam with the noose tied securely and set the chair under it.</p><p>By now, he was feeling woozy and his vision was slightly blurring so he wasted no time in sliding the rope around his neck and kicking the chair out from under him.</p><p>At first, he clawed at his throat to get breath in his burning lungs and he kicked his legs to find the chair again but then he thought about Arthur’s gorgeous smile and stopped struggling, watching as the plant in the corner of his room became fuzzier and fuzzier until it was just a green smudge, then he saw nothing but black. </p><p>-</p><p>When Arthur walked into school, he was instantly met with his friends loud cheers as they ran up to him.</p><p>“Arthur” Gwaine cheered, clapping the blonde on the back while his Girlfriend Sophia latched onto his arm.</p><p>He gritted his teeth at her presence but forced a smile. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Sophia, she was beautiful and popular, but he didn’t feel anything romantic towards her and every time she touched him his stomach churned.</p><p>“yo, you wanna smoke with us?” Lancelot wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, making Arthur laugh sharply.</p><p>Though he smoked before, he didn’t like it. It left an ashy taste in his mouth that even brushing his teeth couldn’t get rid of and it made his lungs burn.</p><p>“no i’m good, i got calculus this morning” Arthur said, ignoring his friends groans.</p><p>“come in Arthur” Gwaine whined. “ you hate calculus, you don’t even go to class anymore”</p><p>Arthur rolled his eyes, despite the pang in his chest at what he’s turned into. He used to be the rich daddy’s boy who went to all his classes, kept up his grades and stayed away from alcohol but now he skips class to smoke under the bleachers with his friends.</p><p>“i know” Arthur chuckled. “but my dad is on my ass already, i’ll see you guys at lunch” Gwaine groaned but nodded, going off with his friends to either smoke or drink.</p><p>Arthur sighed and turned to Sophia, giving her a kiss on the cheek, telling her to come see him at lunch before heading towards his classroom.</p><p>When he got to the classroom, he got a weird feeling in his chest of something being wrong. The kids were leaning over the desks, whispering amongst eachother while the teacher was typing on his computer.</p><p>Shrugging, Arthur walked over to his desk and got out his books and pen. He waited for his teacher to start the lesson but instead he continued typing on his computer.</p><p>“alright class, i’m afraid we are being called to an emergency assembly. If you could please line up and head towards the hall” The teacher said.</p><p>Arthur looked over to the other kids who were still whispering, seemingly already knowing what was going on. He glanced at the teacher who was fiddling with his keys before leaning over to the person beside him.</p><p>“what’s going on?” He whispered.</p><p>“A kid in our year committed suicide last night.” She smiled sadly and stood up.</p><p>Arthur sighed, hating the subject of suicide. He never understood what could be running in someone’s mind to have the guts to end their own life, to put their loved ones through the worst just so the pain would stop. -</p><p>The assembly hall was full of kids from every grade sitting in individual rows.</p><p>Arthur looked around and spotted Morgana and Gwen who were crying on each others shoulders and he furrowed his brows in confusion. As far as he knew, Morgana and Gwen didn’t know anyone else in their year apart from himself and his friends.</p><p>“Arthur” Gwaine shouted from where they were sitting in their row.</p><p>Arthur grinned and walked over, plopping himself down between Sophia and Gwaine.</p><p>“do you know who died?” Arthur whispered.</p><p>Gwaine shook his head. “no, apparently it was one of the quiet kids that no one knew. I don’t see why we have to make a big deal about it, clearly no one will miss him”</p><p>Arthur felt anger rise in his chest at his words. He wanted to reach out and slap that grin off his face, how dare he say that?.</p><p>Instead, Arthur took a deep breath and focused his attention on the teacher walking up to the stage.</p><p>“As you know, a student in year 11 has committed suicide last night. Yesterday, he handed me a USB and told me to play the video at today’s assembly. Afterwards, we will talk about bullying and how it affects others”</p><p>Around him, people groaned, probably at the thought of having to sit through another 2 hour video on bullying. Arthur didn’t see what everyone was complaining about, people need to know what bullying does to people.</p><p>”i will now play the video. I have already watched it and there does contain triggering topics so if you’re uneasy about this subject, please leave now” There was a brief silence while the teacher waited for a few kids to leave the hall before starting.</p><p>Arthur watched as the teacher pulled out a USB stick, plugging it into the computer and a second later, a voice came onto the screen.</p><p>Arthur froze, watching Merlin come into frame and sit in front of the camera, fiddling with his hands before looking up at the camera.</p><p>“<em>Hey, uh this is kind of weird to be talking to myself like this but i’m not doing it for me, i’m doing it for everyone. For those who don’t know me, my name’s Merlin Emrys, i’m kind of the invisible kid in the hallways that no one notices but it’s alright, i prefer being alone anyways”</em></p><p>“<em>Firstly, i would like to say that this is no ones fault but my own. Secondly, please don’t make this a big deal, no one cared when i was alive so please don’t care now”</em></p><p>
  <em> “I guess i’ll start by telling you when this all started. It started after my Father died, it felt like my heart was being torn out of my chest and i felt so broken. Luckily, i had wonderful friends who came over to my apartment with pizza and shitty romcom movies which would always make me smile and i always felt better.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“a few months after i started getting this unexplainable itch, kind of like feeling a bug crawling under your skin. I started hearing voices in my head , the voices of my bullies telling me i’m not good enough and life would be better off without them. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Things soon spiraled until i was sitting on the bathroom floor with tears streaming down my cheeks, dragging a blade against my skin. After that, the voices went away and the itch was gone, it felt like i was free” </em>
</p><p>“<em>my best friend soon found out and he held me while i cried, kissing the scars on my arms until i started laughing. With him around, it felt like everything was going to be okay eventually and i just needed to hold on a little longer” </em></p><p><em>“But then my best friend started hanging out with the wrong people, getting involved in bad things and started</em> <em>distancing himself from me and it hurt. I tried to talk myself into believing he would see sense and come back to me, but then one day i was slammed into a locker and i looked up to see him standing behind the bullies and i guess that was what broke me” </em></p><p><em>“i felt like i couldn’t breathe. My best friend becoming friends with</em> my bullies <em>hurt too much and i couldn’t do it anymore” </em></p><p><em>“I know you’re watching this, and i know you probably think it’s your fault but it’s not. It’s mine for not being good enough and i’m sorry for ruining your</em> <em>life”</em></p><p>
  <em> “i have left letters to the ones i cared about most, you will find them in your locker. Please don’t blame yourself, i love you guys.” </em>
</p><p>“<em>Please know that i’m happy now, the pain is gone and i feel free. I only ask that the people who find pleasure in making people feel shit about themselves pretend to be in the shoes of the other person and think about how much it hurts to be called names everyday, to be told you’re useless and replaceable.” </em></p><p>
  <em>“I have to go now, but i’ll see you all again some day. Please remember to be nice to people so no one has to go through what i did. Goodbye, everyone, stay safe” </em>
</p><p>Arthur was frozen in his seat, looking at the face of someone who used to be his best friend. Someone who used to be so bright, now looks so bright.</p><p>He blinked, sending tears down his cheeks and glanced over to Morgan and Gwen who were sobbing in each other’s arms.</p><p>He looked over at his friends who had the nerve to look guilty, there mouths gaped wide open with wide eyes.</p><p>He gasped and shot up out his chair, ignoring the people calling his name behind him and burst through the doors into the hallway, sprinting around corners and down long halls until he reached his locker.</p><p>With shaky hands, he frantically reached up and tried to unlock the padlock. His heart was thumping against his chest, tears blurring his vision making it hard to see what he was doing.</p><p>The second the lock clicked, he yanked the door open and looked through his locker until he found an envelope. He took it out and leant against his locker, peeling the seal open with trembling hands and pulling out a letter. “</p><p>
  <em>Arthur,</em>
</p><p>
  <em> You’re probably reading this, thinking that it’s all your fault, or maybe not. Maybe you don’t care, maybe you do. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Whatever you’re thinking, i want you to know this isn’t your fault. You got mixed in with the wrong crowd and i get that. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Please don’t blame yourself, you helped me through the worst times of my life and i will always love you for that.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We’ll see eachother in the after life, you’re old and grey because you still have a life to love. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Promise me you’ll change your ways, promise me you’ll get better friends and go back to the Arthur that made me happy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I love you, forever always,</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Merlin</em>
</p><p>Arthur sobbed as he read the last word of the letter.</p><p>Tears freely streamed down his face and he momentarily forgot he was in the school hallways until he felt warm hands wrap around his shoulders and pull him close. He sank into the embrace, despite not knowing who it was, but if the scent of Victoria secret perfume was enough to go by, it was Morgana.</p><p>Taking shaky gulps of air, Arthur hid his face in Morgana’s shoulder and sobbed, mumbling a mantra of ‘it’s my fault’ while he felt a warm hand run up and down his arm.</p><p>“sh, it’s not your fault. Just take deep breaths” Morgana’s soothing voice said into his ear.</p><p>He took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds before releasing. Instead of calming down, he let out another wracking sob and suddenly he couldn’t stop.</p><p>All of these voices were in his head, screaming at him that it was his fault Merlin died, his fault his friend was in pain and he didn’t notice, all of it was his fault.</p><p>“Arthur, please look at me” Morgana said softly and gently held two fingers to his chin, prying his head off her chest until he was looking in her eyes.</p><p>“it’s not your fault. You didn’t do this, they did” she said and Arthur already knew who she was taking about.</p><p>Arthur’s attitude soon changed from shattered to angry and he shot up, angrily prying himself from Morgana’s grip and stomped to where he knew his ‘friends’ would be.</p><p>“Arthur, stop” Morgana shouted after him and he could hear her heels clicking against the floor but he didn’t stop. He didn’t stop when Gwen put a soft hand on his arm, nor did he stop when Sophia called after him. He only stopped when his first collided with a face and gasps were heard around him.</p><p>“you did this!” Arthur screamed, waving an accusing finger around the group of people he had called his friends. Who brainwashed him into thinking Merlin was a loser and they would be better off without him.</p><p>“Arthur, we’re sorry. We didn’t know it would come to this” Gwaine said, clutching his bleeding nose.</p><p>“what did you think would happen?” Arthur sobbed. “you thought he would just brush it off?”</p><p>He looked over at the rest of the group who were looking at him with guilt in their eyes, which only builded his rage.</p><p>“we’re sorry, we didn’t think” Percival whispered.</p><p>“Exactly!” Arthur shouted. “you didn’t think, and now my best friend is fucking dead. His mother is going to have to plan his funeral, she’s going to have to bury her son. His friends are going to have to look at the empty chair he used to sit on. I’m going to have to live without the only person i ever loved, the only person who made me feel happy”</p><p>By the end of his speech, he was on his knees again in the tight embrace of both Morgana and Gwen. He clutched onto their shirts like a lifeline, burying his face into Gwen’s neck while heart wrenching sobs escaped his lips.</p><p>He could feel the stares of probably the whole school on his back, could feel the tears drenching his shoulder from the girls but he didn’t stop, he couldn’t stop because Merlin, the person who made his heart race, the person who’s laughter was the best sound in the word, was now gone forever and it was his fault.</p>
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